I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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