the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
