allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
