random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just blew my weed a kiss
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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