You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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