If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
As shirtless as possible
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
