Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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