remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
