I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
