nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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