my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
