I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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