i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
