Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize