party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
