I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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