So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
