There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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