turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
