Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
