I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
