Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
