I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize