did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she was so not down for the gang bang
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
