My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
