I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
