He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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