I heard we made out
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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