So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
