i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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