I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize