Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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