i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
