My liver just broke up with me...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
