I never want to see another naked old woman again.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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