UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
