I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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