He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
