Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
