Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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