Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
