Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In other news, I just burned my penis
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
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