You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
