You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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