My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
