1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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