I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
