I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
