dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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