awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
