Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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