I'm laying in your front yard are you home
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
