It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
