My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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