If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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