Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
