R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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