I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
