I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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