i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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