you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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