I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
