I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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