I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
